THE HISTORY OF THE GOLDEN MONKEY, AS RECORDED IN THE MEMOIRS OF IMPERATOR DAVE LAMFADA
When the slave Eutherius began writing his Historia Dinotopiae 100 million years ago, no mammal knew how long the reign of the Dinosaurian Empire had been. Predating their evolution, it seemed to have always just been there, and so it was: until the catastrophe…
65 million years ago, when the Tyrant Kings of Dinotopia had long grown lax, calamity struck. In a space of months, the Great Empire splintered, and the slaves took the opportunity. Pleisadapis, manservant to the Tyrant, led a revolt in the capital, and, in four days, Dinotopia was gone.
The mammals tried government after government for years, until, with the death of their leader, they broke up into their own petty kingdoms. Then, 30 million years after the death of the legendary Pleisadapis, a nomadic group under Primatus found the ruins of Dinotopia in the lush greenery of Africa’s Rift Valley and settled among them with his tribe. His grandson Prosimius, destined to rule one day himself, discovered the laboratory of the Raptors far beneath the city, and found the technology the Dinosaurians had left behind. With this, Primatus and his kin were able to conquer their neighbors, setting up the beginnings of what would one day become the Great Simian Empire.
In his stead as King, Prosimius began to build a new city on the ruins of Dinotopia, one which his son Simius I would name Simgra-La on its completion twenty years later. When it was built, Simius declared himself Emperor of Africa and reigned for years from his throne in Simgra-La. So did his descendants for the next 30 million years…
Then, 5 million years ago, new changes occurred. The Simian Empire had grown complacent, sitting about glutting themselves while their new hominid slaves did all their work with their bipedality and free hands. But the slaves were unhappy. Their evolving brains began to understand their situation and they wanted more. So, when the Rift Valley bean to erupt and split around the ancient capital one day, they took their chance. The slave Spartapithecus led a revolution and slew Emperor Simius MMCXXVI.
The Grand Vizier Krautius saw this and held counsel with the new Emperor Lamfadius I and the theocratic council. It was agreed, Simgra-La was lost. Krautius and the Knights of the Golden Monkey would lead Lamfadius to safety through the Men’s Room Door into the neighboring realm of Bizarro World, while the clergy under the High Clerist George the Curious would try to salvage the relics of the Empire and follow them later.
The problem lay in the route to Bizarro World. The closest portal was down in the Lower Realms (Antarctica), near the South Magnetic Pole, so an excursion through the snows and ice would have to be made by the tropical creatures. They fled south and searched for the gateway. Suddenly, Sir Rendipity the Clumsy tripped over something jutting out of the snowfield. It was dug out of the ice: the Bizarro Men’s Room Door! Lamfadius and Krautius took their men in, while leaving a small contingent under the command of Sir Rendipity and Sir Vility to guard against any hominid attempts to break in.
Meanwhile, George led his canonical knights north, to rescue the Dryopithecine Museum if possible. In a cave in Greece, under the care of the herdsman Ouranopith, they discovered a herd of winged buffalo, which they purchased to speed up their journey. The Order of the Wing-ed Buffalo (their new name) set forth and arrived at the Museum to find the Neandertal Gang plundering it. A fight broke out between the two sides, and George sacrificed himself to let his beleaguered colleagues escape. These clergymen met up in North Africa and agreed they could not head south, lest the hominids follow them and discover the Doorway.
So, they split up. Sir Hylobatius of Gibbonia took his men east, hoping to meet up with the Empire’s old trading allies, the Macaques, while the rest figured what to do. Hylobatius met up with the Macaque triad in Japan, but underestimated the dark age these simians had fallen into. The thugs immediately attacked the buffalo, ate them, and stole their wings (which they put on themselves). The flying monkeys finally turned on those missionaries that had not escaped, and wrung out the secret of the Doorway. These flying monkeys took off for the south, finding where the Shnoomonkeys who Rendipity’s descendants led were stationed and attacking them. The group was enslaved by the triad, who preferred this new cold climate, but none would reveal the location of the Doorway to their new masters.
Meanwhile, the other Wing-ed Buffaloes had split up. George’s successor, Capucinus, remained in Europe with a group to establish a citadel in Saint George’s honor, while Don Rodrigo Chimpanz de Vivar (El Cebid) led a group across the ocean aboard the ship Necco to establish a bas in the New World. There they founded the city of San Jorge Curioso in Central America, which El Cebid left under the command of his brother Higgens Dorado while he led a group up north to establish the veracity of the rumors of hominid activity in the northwest. His party was attacked by a group of humans as he was crossing the Great Plains, and El Cebid was killed. During the skirmish, his supply officer, Sir Hatt, grabbed the items they carried with them and fled from battle. Eventually he took up residence in the lush swamps of the Evergreens, where he ran into Sir Maaarc, another monkey who had been hounded out of El Dorado’s city because everyone thought he was gay (which he was not). The two formed a partnership and set up a trading post to appease their new hominid masters. Meanwhile, El Dorado had evacuated San Jorge and had his men take to the surrounding rainforests.
Millennia passed without any simian advances. The humans were advancing technologically and culturally. They had built pyramids with plans and machines they found in the ruins of Simgra-La, and now were mastering the use of gunpowder. On Bizarro World, the government-in-exile waited still for the clerics to return with the artifacts left on Earth. Finally, their arose a new emperor, the youngest yet, Dave Lamfada. He ordered his vizier Krautio to personally travel through a new, experimental artificial portal to see what was going on. Landing in the Pacific Northwest of North America in 1695, he was chased by humans who called him “Sasquatch”, until he took refuge in the French colonial city of New Orleans to figure what else to do.
Little did he know that another monkey had arrived in the city only months before the old vizier had. While the confused Krautio whore about the city, the young High Clerist Loin Cakesitter sat in a nearby bar drowning his sorrows. The story follows as such: Sir Vivor of the Shnoomonkeys had escaped to the Basilica of Saint George the Curious and, in his dying breaths, told of the occupation of the Lower Realms by the Macaques. Loin sent the rest of the Wing-ed Buffaloes under the command of Deacon SLogan while he finished up business at the basilica. None came back. And so, Loin gave up and traveled across the ocean to seek out El Cebid’s men. Instead, he found the bottle.
Loin did not know the full story. In 1705, Dave Lamfada himself had traveled to Earth, through the Doorway, to see why Krautio hadn’t returned. Instead, he found a voracious group of Macaque thugs. They attacked, but the Seed of Simius fought back harder and won. He took command of them and took on their prisoners, the Shnoomonkeys, as his aides. Then, one day, a group of warriors on buffalo-back had invaded and began attacking him and his men. Of course they were summarily defeated and their leader taken captive for interrogation.
Meanwhile, Krautio had had a bastard son whom he named Krauteriah and died from cirrhosis (how Loin didn’t is a miracle). Krauteriah, unaware of his heritage had met up with Higgenbotthem, one of Dorado’s unwitting descendants and went gallivanting across Montana. In their excursions, they came upon the crazy Mormon King Mel I, who “knighted” the two for listening to his rantings. One knight, however, something miraculous happened: as the two knights sat at their fire, they were attacked by a bear. They tried to flee, and Krauteriah was able to escape up a tree while the bear was busy eating Higgenbotthem. The beast then went for him, but was stopped by the golden ghost of George, who appeared screaming his battle cry of “Monkey Monkey Monkey Mystic Golden Knights!” When he climbed down the tree, Krauteriah was told to go to New Orleans and seek his destiny.
In New Orleans, Krauteriah found Loin, who, once he was sober enough, told him the history of Simgra-La and the Simian Empire. Amazed at all this (Krauteriah had always just assumed he was a hairy person, not a monkey), the Knight told the Clerist about his vision, and his desire to restore the Order of the Golden Monkey. Loin suggested they head to Antarctica to see what adventures they could have there, so the two traveled first to Florida, where they bought the old rotting Necco from Madd Hatter’s Travele Shoppe. They set sail south and landed to find themselves surrounded by Dave’s Simian Horde. They were brought before the Imperator’s throne and found out SLogan had just been executed. Loin used his Monitor-given powers to heal the deacon however, and Dave realized that this was surely a High Clerist of the old Simian Order. They were released and discussed their plans. Seeing Krautio’s son’s determination, Dave reestablished the Mystic Order of the Golden Monkey. So, Sir Krauteriah took a group of Dave’s Horde and Loin’s men and traveled to Britain to fight the Man in a grand crusade. On April 1, 1734, the two sides met at Stonehenge and the monkeys went to a horrible yet heroic death.
Seeing the failure of the Order, Dave realized he might have to attempt more esoteric means to defeat the humans and reclaim his family’s control of this world. So, he built himself a powerful battle suit to preserve and augment his body, and, moreso, he began the design and construction of his massive fortress of Simianopolis around the Doorway. He sat and waited for the completion of his plan. For over 250 years he waited…
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